On Adult Friendships!
As an introvert, for the longest period of my time, I hesitated to make friends. Also, co-incidentally losing my close ones one after another, bereaved, I had fear of losing the one with whom I got close. That scared the hell out of me and I didn’t approach anyone for friendship. I also chose to stay apart from the ones with whom I was getting closer.
I pushed my friends away from my life; some consciously and some unconsciously. My focus shifted to my studies, family, and career. Setting priorities was important but something that I was wrong about was that friendships can’t go simultaneously with these priorities. And I have come to realize this lately, especially in the last two years when I have consciously chosen to work on my friendships and now have started to reap the benefit of it.
Even though I love my friends from school and college, keeping up with the friendship with them is challenging because of the diverse paths we chose. Seeing them happy doing their own thing away from me gives immense pleasure but there is also a void if we don’t turn and start looking for friendship with people who are around us now in our closer proximity or maybe in similar career fronts.
Making friends as an adult is not easy and a lot of it becomes situational but putting on a little effort into friendship does have an immense impact on our wellbeing. But it definitely didn’t come very easy. I still struggle today trying to figure out if I am crossing their boundary or if the need for friendship from their side is reciprocal or not. So preparing myself for some level of discomfort was the first step for me.
Given my pattern that I operate with fear of losing, I have anxious attachment style. Eventhough, I am mindful about it, there are times when I unconsciously project anxious attachment. It took me time to acknowledge this and commit to make an effort where I give ample space to my friends. Apart from that it also was an commitment from my side to keep on making effort to be curious to my friend despite the struggles of everyday hustle between studies and work. Trying to know at what stage they are in their life and trying the best I can to contribute in their growth has been helpful.
Most of all, as the friendship grows being able to foster some level of vulnerability has helped my relationships grow. When I share this, it is not that I share the same level of intimate sharing with everyone, I have been able to foster different kinds of intimacy with different friends. With some friends, I share the routes of hiking trails, with some I explore foods, with some I have been able to explore their intellectual minds and some ask me deep reflective questions.
As much as I have been able to enjoy their time, attention, care, I am conscious of being present in the moment and show up for my friends. At the same time, I am also conscious that just like me, my friends are evolving. They have their own life going on, own work pressure, own family responsiblities, and their own concerns. So the most I can do is help them be themselves and not be an added obligation in their life and contribute in my own ways.
