Married to Him Yet I have an Unrequited Longing for him

Yesterday, while I was deep cleaning our room, I found an old picture of my husband with one of his ex-girlfriends when he was in his teens. It was a cute picture of him shyly standing behind her. I already know about his previous relationships so that picture didn’t come out as a shock. But it left a deep longing within me. I stared at the picture for quite a while with a wide grin on my face. He looked different. It seemed as if he was forced into the picture but he looked happy. It also seemed he wanted to hold her hands but couldn’t. He had a smile that was innocent and beautiful. I have known him for the last six years and have seen multiples sides of him yet the side that the picture was displaying seemed unfamiliar.

Not just this incident but there are several moments when I have caught myself wanting to know more about how he was in his childhood, what he used to do, who his friends were, how he used to be with his girlfriend, and what used to attract his attention. He is someone who still has his school friends around him and from them, I get to know a lot about him. Yet, I feel unrequited.

I don’t know if I can say that I am going to be his last love but to be in his life already committed to spending life together, I find myself curious to find his excitement and wonder in relation to his early love. I still see a part of that shy teenager in front of me. I still see an adult man grown out of that young boy figuring things out for his life. Yet, I desire and long for that young being in person. I hear his stories and imagine how he might have acted and done things and want to just observe as an outsider. The yearning to see that side of him is neither hurtful nor envious but a curious one. It is an emerging curiosity to understand my partner well and to hear his narratives and where he is coming from when he says certain things in our relationship. It’s a type of feeling where I want to be there and see what he was like but the only thing that I can now do is only hear him but not see or experience the other side of him.

The curiosity of his bygone days, both pleasant and unpleasant is intense for me yet beautiful. This longing for him is magical yet unrequited.